Most people, and especially women, grow up being told to behave, never be loud or opinionated, blend into society, and suppress their emotions. This might work well when you’re a child. Your parents are proud because it’s a sign they “raised you well” and nobody feels bothered by you.
Until you grow up and realize how your own small-being is holding you back. You hesitate to act independently and you’re scared of being a burden to everybody. And that is when your success starts to suffocate.
Read on to learn how to interrupt this cycle of self-doubt and become the strong grounded personality you want to be.
6 signs you’re too obedient:
- You are overly dependent on instructions and constantly seek validation or advice from others.
- When trying something new on your own, you feel overwhelmed because no one is telling you what to do, how to do it, or taking the lead for you.
- You are a pushover. Even when strangers are clearly in the wrong – for example criticizing where you parked – you immediately assume they’re right, don’t question them, and apologize automatically.
- When someone crosses your (almost non-existent) boundaries, you hesitate to put them in their place and enforce consequences.
- You are a chronic people pleaser, to a degree that harms yourself more than it benefits anyone else.
- You don‘t trust yourself – neither your body, nor your feelings or opinions.
Why “behaving well” is actually holding you back
- You’re not building your own personality because you distrust your own judgment and outsource your decisions to others.
- You are taking advice from people you wouldn’t even want to trade lives with.
- You are minimizing yourself, allowing others to feel superior and walk all over you emotionally, socially, and professionally.
4 steps to break the pattern:
Audit your role models.
Look closely at who you actually look up to and want to become like. What do they do that makes you admire them? You will notice that even self-help “gurus” aren‘t exactly the gold standard. If advice doesn’t resonate with you – including mine – don’t take it. Period.
Check your self-image.
Are you really lazy or is it just something your teachers said when you were younger? Rewrite this negative self-talk using your own perception, because it’s the only perception that really matters.
Build resilience through action.
You will become confident when you show yourself that you can do uncomfortable or new things. Maybe it‘s staying consistent with a new habit or maybe it‘s finally starting a project you were putting off. Doing literally any activity you were avoiding because you‘re not confident enough that you will succeed, will build your confidence – yes I know I hate it too haha. But your brain is usually the biggest liar and you’ll notice that most of the things are really not that hard to do.
Get comfortable with mild disapproval.
Not everyone has to like you and it’s uncomfortable, especially at the start. Learn to survive when someone is mildly annoyed with you when you think you’re doing the right thing. Your nervous system will catch up along the way.
The truth about the “advantages” of obedience
If you are thinking that there are social advantages to being obedient, you are right – but unfortunately only on a surface-level. Yes, you avoid conflict and you are everybody’s darling since you just mirror their opinion back to them.
At the same time the “advantages” come with a price. They are hiding the truth that you will never become confidently great, will always be stuck being insecure and build your reputation as a likable side character without actual value.
If you want more information on resilience I can recommend the book „Do hard things – Why we get resilience wrong and the surprising science of real toughness“ from Steve Magness (not sponsored).
But as always: You do NOT lack information most of the time. You lack the doing part. Do not buy another book to procrastinate the actual acting towards your goal. Take this as your sign to start now with something small.
Find inspiration on what you can do to increase your resilience and create your own confidence within your independent life here: 60 Tips for building Resilience
You know that I’m soooooo proud of you, right?
[…] to do something out of fear of not being punished instead of internal motivation. They create obedience, not […]